What I do want to do is focus on YOU! 

I have been cleaning out a lot of our bins and baskets filled with memories. Years of shared tears, laughs, pain, celebrations and devotion. I have saved so many wonderful cards and letters of support from March 9th, 1995. Paper letters and cards filled with so much love and encouragement sent by family and friends. 

These letters and cards are only a very small example of what I saved. The allegiance is overwhelming! The family that lived in Ontario, some of my dad’s siblings were just as amazing. Coming to the hospital with gifts, toys, meals and comfort. We are truly so lucky~

Paul and I are still so fortunate to have so many of you in our life. Considering it being 30 years post accident, we still celebrate and appreciate those relationships that continue to step up when needed. Sometimes it’s just a text of encouragement or a coffee to chat. Or happily joining us around our dining table to enjoy dinner. 

Your love and support allowed Paul and I to find comfort in our circle. We never felt judged or criticized for our decisions. Even though I didn’t reach out a lot through the years for help related to Braden’s care. I always knew you were there. That’s all that mattered.

Truly, you were all busy with your lives too. Everyone was starting families, or still in school.  I feel our journey together has been one of enchantment. 

Man, we have shared some of the best of times. Thank you for not allowing myself or Paul to be stuck in a state of hopelessness. For making us laugh until we cried, for allowing me to say hateful things without judgement. Forgiving me when I was not able to rise up to the front lines when you may have needed me. I hope you know I did my best with the tools I had at the time. 

 Those of you still here, thank you for listening. Thank you for elevating us when we had to fight. For being cheek by jowl with us in times of uncertainty. Paul and I love you all dearly, each one of you. 

To the one’s who came into our lives after March 9th, many of you have been the pillars. The ones who did the fighting, who literally helped hold us up while battling for Braden’s equal and human rights.

Heather C, you will forever be my strongest wingman. (Outside of Paul). The commitment you made to Braden and our family changed the course of who I am today. You modeled the importance of listening and being open to change. At times you showed me strength and reminded me who I am! You always had Braden’s best interest first, even above mine. Thank you for that ~

Those of you who soldiered up to confront unjustified segregation in the school board, YOU are the reason I am still standing. To the people who stood up to Department of Education to support Braden’s needs and dismantle their own agenda. You have always been our hero’s. You know who you are! 

I don’t think Paul and I could have survived those years together without YOU! All our love, thank you!

Our families, on both sides. There has never been a stronger support shown than that of the MacPhee & Martz families. 

You can see all the love in the letters and card’s shown in my photos. Paul and I have come from families that have imprinted what love truly is. Both our parents have modelled what marriage, commitment and strength looks like. We are truly fortunate to have had parents who stood beside us. Even when my father in law was by his wife’s side during our trauma, he still sent his love and encouragement to Paul. He showed him what commitment looked liked. He is one of the strongest men I know, my father in law. 

The Martz family had been hit with two catastrophic injuries on March 9th. I know Paul and I were not able to be much help with Paul’s mom at that time. She was recovering from a brain aneurysm, which occurred on the same day as my accident. Literally minutes after learning about Braden and I.  She fell to the floor,unconscious and unable to respond to Paul when he called her from the hospital. 

It was very much a grave time, for everyone. I hope they know we thought about them constantly. We have always been thankful that his brothers and sisters have been able to “hold the fort” without us physically being available. We will forever be grateful for their stoic stance they’ve firmly planted in their foundation of love and strength for our family. 

As many of you who are closest to us understand, our family circumstances are different. Through the years it’s been a challenge for us to give our time and attention to the larger part of the Martz family. I hope they know, including our niece’s and nephews that we love them all very much. We love to see them grow and have families of their own. Celebrating you is one of our favorite things to be apart of.  We wish to continue, and watch them aspire to be their best. 

If you look at some of those sweet little pictures you can read the words of love written by just babies themselves. So young, little ones writing to Braden to “get better, we need you.” Not fully understanding the weight of their words, the effect it had on me. The love I had for them as they scribbled their hearts of love and words of hope for not only Braden but for Paul and I too. 

To my MacPhee family; reading all those cards and letters from you over again was what inspired me to do this post. 

The love that pours from those letters is overwhelming.

Reading them, has reminded me that in times of need you really do collectively  “roll up on the scene, guns hot!” And for that we thank you~

We received so much encouragement. Your letters were felt like a warm blanket of comfort. We could feel your love, and the will for Braden to recover was strong. Much of the time bringing hope and conitnued strength. Thank you for always being there, through the years with calls, cards, letters, visits and loyalty. We will forever be grateful. Thank you, for never having expectations of us. Allowing the freedom to be who we are, and grow into the family that we have become. We love you, all of you!

To those of you who came after. You have had the privilege of meeting the healed version of me. You’re welcome LOL

No, seriously…I am so indebted to each one of you. Thank you for listening to my maniacal rants. Helping me cope with changes that I was not in control of, and for taking the time to understand.

Even though we may not have crossed paths 30 years ago, being here today is just another part of the journey. I’m honoured to have you. I appreciate our time together and I am worthy to the knowledge and continued learning I receive from you.

This is a time of evolving in my life, I am a changing. Always acquiring new insight to life and friendships. Thank you for being here. I love you all~

One last thought, to our Kailey. You may not have been mentioned much in this post. Only because you were not there at the time. I can say with my whole heart, you were the best thing to have ever come out of this accident. Once you showed up, our world healed in many ways. You gave us so much to fight for. Your presence changed us in every way for the better. Thank you for your patience, your commitment to our family and for your strength. We love you~

To end this post:

I cannot believe it’s been 30 years! It’s been an incredibly marvellous adventure. Filled with challenges, accomplishments, loss, travel, learning and love. My family has shared so much together. Even though the road has had bumps, we have always found a way to get over them. Stronger and with a sense of triumph. When we near the end of any challenge, we are always united. The four of us, we are independent players in our family. Each one of us highlighting our strengths and weaknesses, but always well-balanced and stable. If I could say thank you for anything March 9th, 1995 accomplished it would be just that. A strong family who respects, encourages, accepts and loves each other. I am so proud~

We are “The Martz’s”

Recently Paul and I watched the Christopher Reeve documentary/movie. After almost turning it off at least 5 times, we pushed through and ended up thoroughly loving it. It did however bring up some feelings and emotions we had put behind us. It was actually at times very hard to watch.(but so relatable so we kept watching) We remember that day still so very vividly. When we had seen on the news that Christopher Reeves was paralyzed from the neck down. He sustained the same injury as Braden. For me personally, after hearing of his injury I didn’t feel as alone. As he moved forward in his journey with SCI it was so encouraging to see him bringing education and awareness to what our world now looked like. My heart broke for his family, and for him. But if Superman can find grace in midst of tragedy, then we will too.

Disclaimer: This post was written 10 years ago!

I was so upset with a situation when I was asked to leave my caregiving position to care for someone else. At this time, I was still working with Braden full time. I truly believe people never understood what I did during the day, while caring for him. Although we maybe should have been more open with family and friends, we still firmly guarded his privacy. To be honest, family and friends should never feel they have the right to question what goes on in our home. If we say no to anything, whether it’s a family function, dinner party, Christmas or holiday event it is NO ONES business as to why! All we ever needed was understanding and accepting. Our family dynamics have always been far more complex than anyone else we know. We should never have had to feel bad or guilty for saying no to anyone or anything. It’s not like people were breaking down our front door to learn and understand how our life worked.

On another note, Paul has become Braden’s “full time” caregiver. He has stepped up to fill this role. His days look very much like this. He works very hard to manage a part time consulting job and Braden’s full time care. It’s not unknown that we do have a PSW who works 9am-5pm Monday to Friday. That is eight hours out of 24 that someone else tends to his needs. However, Paul is still needed to be available to attend any appointments Braden may have during the day. Paul also has his own curricular activities that help with his mental health and is still always available to Kailey and myself.

Paul is busy, his life is not just his own. Sometimes he has to say no to family and/or friends. Even if they need his help. It’s not that he wants to say no, its just that his life is not just his. That wears on him as well, so just be kind. Be caring and accepting. He deserves that.

10 years ago..I wrote this,

“Lately I just feel the need to share what life is like with those who are living with or who may be caring for someone with a Cervical Spinal Cord Injury. 
When my accident first occurred 20 years ago and Braden was injured, I remember a minister coming up to visit Paul, Braden & I. The minister who married Paul and I actually became a wonderful support to us and would come to the hospital just to pray. I needed that. Anyways I can recall during one visit him saying too me, “Well you’re gonna have to care for him regardless for the next 5 years, its just going to be in a different way now”. He nailed it, although it was only a statement probably one he had planned to say to me. It really changed the way  I looked at becoming a caregiver not just a mother to a C2 Quadriplegic child. 
I was mommy first, and love always prevailed over any god given situation that may have landed on our laps. Whether it be pneumonia, lung collapse or even just a common cold. Something that would have required a simple cough syrup or decongestor in a healthy child would continue on into full blown ICU visit. Complete with life support, IV antibiotics and chest physiotherapy with postural drainage and suction. 
I was always a mommy, endless snuggles, kisses and hugs but when treatment was needed the therapist came out. 
Parenting a child with C2 Spinal Cord Injury was certainly challenging but like that minister said, I would be parenting him regardless. Even though we were given extra duties during his childhood being a mommy was always first.

Let me tell you how things have changed being a caregiver to an adult (child) with a C2 Spinal Cord Injury.
Most days I’m a caregiver first, and a mom second. (In my heart, I’m always mom)

When he became an adult so much changed. It wasn’t about fighting pneumonia any more, or just focusing on physiotherapy it became about many other things. 
Much more scarier things.

Let’s take a look at the things those with Spinal Cord Injuries need to be aware of…

Autonomic dysreflexia.

This scares me too death, potentially life-threatening medical emergency that affects people with spinal cord injuries at the T6 level or higher. For most people, AD can be easily treated as well as prevented. The key is knowing your baseline blood pressure, triggers and symptoms.
Autonomic dysreflexia requires quick and correct action. AD can lead to stroke. Because many health professionals are not familiar with this condition, it is important for people who are at risk for AD, including the people close to them, to know all about it. It is important for at-risk people to know their baseline blood pressure values and to be able to communicate to healthcare providers how to identify potential causes as well as manage an AD emergency. 
Unfortunately this condition can come on very quickly, so consistent supervision is necessary.

Some of the signs of AD include high blood pressure, pounding headache, flushed face, sweating above the level of injury, goose flesh below the level of injury, nasal stuffiness, nausea and a slow pulse (slower than 60 beats per minute). Symptoms vary by individual; learn yours.

Considering the severity of this condition may I stress very loudly this is one reason why I am available to Braden at all times. 
When you have to live like this or with someone who may be threatened by this condition then maybe you won’t be so quick to judge where my time is placed.

Here’s how an unaffected bladder works: 
Urine, the excess water and salts that are extracted from the bloodstream by the kidneys, is piped down thin tubes called ureters, which normally allow urine to flow only in one direction. The ureters connect to the bladder, which is basically a storage bag that does not like pressure. When the bag is full, pressure rises and nerves send a message via the spinal cord to the brain. When one is ready to empty the bladder, the brain sends a message back down the spinal cord to the bladder, telling the detrusor muscle (the bladder wall) to squeeze and the sphincter muscle (a valve around the top of the urethra) to relax and open. Urine then passes down the urethra to exit the body. 
It is a rather elegant process of muscle coordination just to go pee.
After paralysis, however, the body’s normal system of control goes haywire; messages can no longer pass between the bladder muscles and the brain. This leads to high bladder pressures, incontinence, incomplete emptying, and reflux — along with recurrent bladder infections, stones, hydronephrosis (kidney distention), 
Most people with a Spinal Cord Injury use indwelling catheters which allows the person to empty their bladder. However with Braden having an incomplete spinal cord injury at a C2 level, he does have feeling when needed to go to the bathroom. He does however have some residual effects leaving him with some urinary problems. 
Due to his lack of physical ability to toilet himself, he does use outer catheters that are not invasive. This catheter is connected to a 900ml leg back. Yes this makes life easier for us, it is still very important to stay available to Braden at all times due to needing to empty is leg bag. You see, if he doesn’t get the leg bagged drained when full, then he can get himself into some serious medical problems one being Autonomic Dysreflexia. If the urinary bag is full and he is needing to empty his bladder again, where is the urine going to go? He will get backed up and the pressures from not being able to empty his bladder will cause severe pain and discomfort. 

(And just think, we literally had a “family member” once make a comment “OH,he needs a bathroom now?” Because we stated some homes are not washroom accessible, so it’s hard for us to go).

Fu*kin guys lucky to be alive, I wanted to end it for him.
Again, for this reason my job is too remain close and available to him at all times. Until we have fulltime assistance for him, this will remain my job. IF by chance you want time with me, by all means find someone to cover my job. Then please pay them according to the pay scale of PSW’s or RPN’s. Thank you for your help!~

Bowel accidents happen. 
Those living with Spinal Cord Injuries sadly have bowel problems that can effect their whole day.
The best way to prevent them is to follow a schedule, to teach the bowel when to have a movement. Most people perform their bowel program at a time of day that fits with their lifestyle. The program usually begins with insertion of either a suppository or a mini-enema, followed by a waiting period of approximately 15–20 minutes to allow the stimulant to work. After the waiting period, digital stimulation is performed every 10–15 minutes until the rectum is empty. Those with a flaccid bowel frequently start their programs with digital stimulation or manual removal. Bowel programs typically require 30–60 minutes to complete. Preferably, a bowel program can be done on the commode. Two hours of sitting tolerance is usually sufficient. 
But those at high risk for skin breakdown need to weigh the value of bowel care in a seated position, versus a side-lying position in bed.
Constipation is a problem for many people with neuromuscular-related paralysis. Anything that changes the speed with which foods move through the large intestine interferes with the absorption of water and causes problems. 
For almost 20 years we were fortunate that Braden had the ability to feel when needing to have a bowel movement. However over the course of those 20 years consistent constipation took a toll on Braden and he did end up with some very serious health problems.
When we were dealing with bathroom routines, it was something that would take up too two days for him. We lived some VERY challenging years, where bowel movements became the biggest stressor in our family life. Braden actually almost lost his life eventually from poor bowel conditions. We in Cambridge DO NOT have the proper medical professionals to deal with a person who has a C2 Spinal Cord Injury. This left him vulnerable to the system and left Paul and I lost and confused.
We had a very scary moment in life a few years back, Braden did almost die. He came through surgery with a colostomy. Initially they were going to reverse it, once he healed from the surgery and all the damage done by years of constipation. It didn’t take long to realize the how much easier life was about to get with this new appliance added to Braden’s body. It was a blessing in disguise. 

Deep Vein Thrombosis
People with spinal cord injury (SCI) are at particular risk for deep vein thrombosis (DVT) during their acute hospital course. Deep vein thrombosis is a blood clot that forms in a vein deep in the body, most often in the lower leg or thigh. This can result in a life- threatening danger if the clot breaks loose from the leg vein and finds its way to the lung, causing a pulmonary embolism. 
Someone who may be sitting all day as well has an increased chance of DVT. Its important for those living with SCI to have continued therapies to decrease that risk. Many times throughout the day range of motion should be done to help increase blood flow, circulation, prevention of pressure ulcers and to relieve muscle tightness or spasticity. 
This is my job and I do need to be available to him when he feels sore or tight. Range of motion is done periodically throughout the day. He has always had that done, even during the school years. I had someone hired to attend school with him so he could have continued therapy throughout the day. 
Again this today is my job, and very much a part of my daily duties. SO if you are wanting my time away from my job please feel free to send someone in who can fill that job requirement and don’t forget a private kinesiology therapist charges anywhere between 35-50.00/hr. If you don’t mind paying for that too, again Thanks~

Exercise 
Once again this is the most important part of anyone living with a SCI daily/weekly routine. There’s this thing we do everyday and I believe most people living with spinal cord injuries follow the same routine. Exercise and physiotherapy has always been and always will be as a mom my most important activity for Braden. Daily…if I had my choice I would have him working each day for at least an hour on physical rehab. When he was young it was a lot easier, it was just part of his daily routine and he didn’t know anything different. When he became an adult his views on therapy changed, I will never stop pushing him to do more. 

Every morning we do range of motion (stretching his limps to loosen the muscles), and if through the day he has any kind of pain we again go to the mattresses and do some stretches. Its important, to me the most important. 

There are SO many elements to caring for someone who has a spinal cord injury. You need to remember they have an injury. When someone is born with a physical disability their body is already formed to suit the needs of their challenges. NOT that it makes It any easier, and it certainly doesn’t mean their needs are different. I am not taking away from anyone who has/is suffering from a physical disability. All I am saying is that when a person has a C2 Spinal Injury, its a life long goal to rehabilitate as much as you can. Especially with a level as high as a Cervical 2, that kind of injury is catastrophic. It effects your whole body, and every system in it.

Eating well is even more essential for persons who are paralyzed. Because of changes that occur to the body after trauma or disease, it’s more important than ever to understand the role nutrition plays in maintaining health.
After a spinal cord injury, most people lose some weight. The injury puts stress on the body as it uses its energy and nutrients to repair itself.
 Stress ramps up the metabolic rate; the body burns calories faster. Moreover, many newly injured people are not able to eat a regular diet. As muscles atrophy, the weight loss continues — for about a month. Later, the problem isn’t too few pounds, it’s too many. People living with SCI are more prone to inactivity, and thus don’t burn calories. That’s the pathway to obesity.
My experience with nutrition is a bit different as Braden was only a baby at the time of his injury. He was put on a high caloric diet once his trach was removed. We left the hospital with strict guidelines to “fatten” him up any way we could. We remember being in ICU with Braden, and he wasn’t taking in enough calories. This was actually one of the most difficult parts of our journey. Once he was injured, with is injury being so high he lost his will to thrive.
You can not force feed anyone, not alone a 2 year old who is fighting for Autonomy from his mommy. Fighting to be independent yet not able to do anything on his own, we had geared up for a small war every single time we sat down to eat a meal. 
I laugh when I hear parents talking about their children’s diets, how they are not letting their kids eat fast food, things like MacDonalds. Let me tell you when your child is trying to survive lying in an ICU hospital room and they refuse to eat the hospital food. It’s amazing how quickly you’ll run to grab a cheeseburger happy meal inorder for you medically fragile child to reach his calorie count for the day. 
Still today one of my biggest parenting/caregiving challenges is making sure he continues to hit his calorie intake. He is grown up enough to worry about this himself, and he does take nutrition very seriously. He is actually really good at watching his weight and trying new things to help with his calories. But he still doesn’t have the will to thrive. SO that can be difficult.

Chronic Pain
Pain is a signal triggered in the nervous system to alert us to possible injury. Acute pain, the result of sudden trauma, has a purpose. This kind of pain can usually be diagnosed and treated so the discomfort is managed and confined to a given period of time. Chronic pain, though, is much more confounding. It is the kind of alarm that doesn’t go away and is resistant to most medical treatments. 
Pain is a complicated process that involves an intricate interplay between a number of important chemicals found naturally in the brain and spinal cord. These chemicals, called neurotransmitters, transmit nerve impulses from one cell to another.
There is a critical lack of the essential inhibitory neurotransmitters in the injured spinal cord. This may “disinhibit” spinal neurons that are responsible for pain sensations, causing them to fire more than normal. This disinhibition is believed to be the root of spasticity, too. 
Following injury, the nervous system undergoes a tremendous reorganization. The dramatic changes that occur with injury and persistent pain underscore that chronic pain should be considered a disease of the nervous system, not just prolonged acute pain or a symptom of an injury. 
Repositioning and sometimes cold/heat therapy treatment is needed throughout the day for pain. So there again, really…if I need to explain how leaving during the day could effect his day and his health or even comfort than you’re not that bright~

Respiratory

As we breathe, air is brought into the lungs and into close contact with tiny blood vessels that absorb oxygen and transport it to all parts of the body. At the same time, the blood releases carbon dioxide, which is carried out of the lungs with exhaled air.
Lungs themselves are not affected by paralysis, but the muscles of the chest, abdomen and diaphragm can be. As the various breathing muscles contract, they allow the lungs to expand, which changes the pressure inside the chest so that air rushes into the lungs.
This has by far been the biggest struggle in our lives and in his recovery. His lung health has been the most work, the largest triumphs and the hardest thing to over come. His lung care has taken the most amount of our time, and still continues to dictate pretty much the kind of day he is going to have. We take his lung health the most serious, and is always forever on the forefront of life. Braden does have paralyzed diaphragm that is probably his biggest disability. If he could breath better I know his recovery would have been even better. 
This area of life has taken up most of our time, and it continues to add stress, fear and uncertainty to our life.
I recommend you do not come at me when we are having a bad breathing day, I dare you too. You will see a side of me that you never knew ever existed, and I can say with complete confidence no one has had to witness that. Maybe my immediate family has, but not one friend or outside family has had to defend themselves from the lash they’d get. SO again, the next time you want to take me from my job, you better have a registered Respiratory Therapist on stand by. Cause you sure as shit are not qualified or even capable to take on that responsibility. 

Sepsis is a life threatening condition that arises when the body’s response to an infection injures its own tissues and organs. Sepsis leads to shock, multiple organ failure and death — especially if not recognized early and treated promptly. In individuals with paralysis/spinal cord injury, an infection might begin as a urinary tract (bladder) infection, pneumonia, or as a wound, pressure ulcer or other infection. If the infection is not controlled locally, it can spread throughout the body. Sepsis is then diagnosed. Septic shock is severe sepsis with a drop in blood pressure leading to organ failure. Both sepsis and septic shock are life threatening. Sometimes sepsis is called blood poisoning or systemic inflammatory response syndrome (SIRS)
Lets go back to you taking me from my day, do you have any idea how many times this past 20 years we have been threatened with a pressure ulcer that could potentially be fatal. The reason why we don’t share those details is because it’s none of your business. We don’t need to share every single battle or illness he has fought. We have been very careful to respect his privacy, but with that said for one minute don’t you think something like this doesn’t have a profound effect on our lives.

Skin Care

People with paralysis are at high risk of developing skin problems. Limited mobilitycoupled with impaired sensation can lead to pressure sores or ulcers, which can be a devastating complication.
The skin, the largest organ system in the body, is tough and pliable. 
It protects the underlying cells against air, water, foreign substances and bacteria. It is sensitive to injury and has remarkable self-repair capabilities. But skin just can’t take prolonged pressure. Unrelieved pressure on the skin squeezes tiny blood vessels, which supply the skin with nutrients and oxygen. What’s your thoughts on that? You think its a great idea to be away from my job hours on end, especially when he is sitting in a position that’s causing him pain and discomfort?
Once again its most  important to be available all hours of the day. When someone has a C2 Spinal Cord Injury anything can pose a problem. They are not capable in most situations to correct the situation they are in. REMEMBER??? Paralyzed from the neck down???

Why does it seem that some people think just because I am home during the day with Braden that I am available to come and go as I please? I decided to share this post with you because my feathers have been ruffled and I am just not sure what more I can say to make it completely clear. I am NOT available to leave as easily as some of you are. Making plans for me during the day is NOT easy, having to cancel due to any of those above issues is quite common. So unless you plan on having someone who is qualified to come into my home and take over my job, then don’t even think to put any expectation on me. 
I am not sure why people don’t understand that my day job is an attendant care. I am being paid to be available to ALL his needs. There is NO difference between me doing this job or if we were to bring in a private attendant care. To them it would be considered a full time job and everyone around them would respect that. Just because I don’t need to leave my home to do THAT job, doesn’t mean its any less of a position that needs to be filled.
Not only is there care demands, lets not forget he has a life that he lives too. Complete with his own jobs, volunteer hours, medical appts., friends, social life, therapy appt. the list goes on and on. Then there is the house duties, laundry, cooking, cleaning…helping with absolutely anything that requires a two handed task. 
Now I don’t want to come off sounding like he isn’t capable of independence. He is one of the best self-directed care people you’ll ever meet. He will someday be completely independent from me. Its a choice that I am still doing this job, and when you think its ok to pull me from it I have to fill that void with an outside employee. I then have to pay that person out of my cheque. MY money….how is that fair? Do you employ someone outside of your job to come in and work for you, then take the money out of your very  own cheque to pay them? Let’s not forget leading up to them working for you…there has to be a training session. That costs too…
We have 4 years until I plan on retiring from this job. We are doing our very best to make it work for all of us. 
The reason I say I am more of a caregiver today while working with Braden is because he is an adult. I have to respect his choices. I may not agree or like some of his demands or choices with his care or life, but as a caregiver I need to listen and offer advice when asked. If I throw my mom hat on during some of his care routines, and try to trump him as a mom….he kicks my ass out that door pretty friggin quickly. I have learned that if it wasn’t me in there getting him up in the mornings and being available to his daily needs, it would be someone else. If that person were to speak out against him or his ideas in a negative way…they’d lose their job. 
It is one of the hardest things for a mother to do, and to be honest I am looking forward to the day I can be just mom. When I am not working in such close proximity of him and we can have a mother/son relationship.”

The purpose of this post is to reach those of you do not understand what our life entitles and to encourage you to watch the Christopher Reeves documentary. It will help open your eyes to try and understand what it is like for those living with a Spinal Cord Injury.

I wanted to share a glimpse of what our days look like in this blog. I am open to discussing anything you may take away from this, I would be more than happy to answer any questions or concerns you may have~

With love,

Chrissy

This year has flown by. I have thought about him every single day.

Some days are harder, I hear a song that he loved. Or I look at photo’s that are now just memories. I drive by my parents home, I see a blue mustang, an elderly man in a plaid button down shirt. I see him in a quick glance when I look at Braden. When I bake a new cookie or eat an ice cream cone from the Dairy Queen. Feeding the squirrels in my yard and the blue jays when they call.

Although he is gone, he is everywhere.

Living in a world without him has been hard.

Trying to maneuver through grief has been a very new concept to me. I have had a lot of tragedy in my life. I have grieved the life I thought I was going to have many years ago. Inconsolable with the devastation of a car accident that altered the course of our lives forever. I would say that grief changed everything about the person I am today. There was a lot of loss, but so much more growth during that time in my life.

When someone dies, it’s a different grief. It’s so unchanging, so permanent.

My children and husband are the most important people in my life, I need to be sure they have the best of me. I have been very conscious of how my grieving looks to them. There will come a day when they will live in a world without me. I want them to understand that death is a part of living. It’s going to happen to all of us one day. Although it is devastating, it’s important to keep living. I want my adult children to have the proper tools to grieve in a healthy way. I need them to see me cry, stumble but move on and share funny memories of PaPa. That’s what I hope they do for me.

Let’s go back to the beginning when I realized my dad was going to die and he was admitted to hospice. I’d like to share some conversations we had. Thinking back to these moments are so hard, my heart is heavy. During these moments with him, it was just us. Early mornings when I’d bring him a coffee and a muffin.(that he never really ate, but brought him comfort).

I would bring peanuts and bird seed so they’d come to his door. We’d sit and watch the squirrels and blue jays. Him in his bed, and I in a small chair beside him.

I’ll never forget the feeling of rounding that corner in the hallway of the hospice home, entering his room to the unknown. He always smiled. “Hi hun”, I’d hear him say. With his weakened smile, fading skin tone and those beautiful blue eyes that still made the nurses swoon.

Going back a little further, the weekend leading up to my dad moving into hospice he had gone down hill very quickly. That was an incredibly exhausting weekend for my mom. I did my very best to help out. I stayed with her for a night, so she could get some sleep. Unfortunately, he had two terrible nights. It was like his brain was on fire. I can’t even explain how heavy it was. He didn’t know who I was, he wanted to “go home”. (He was home)

He wasn’t happy with me or my mom. He kept trying to get out of his bed, but was unable to bear weight or walk. He did not understand what was happening, he was clearly not himself. Something was happening in his brain, and it was very scary. He may have been bed ridden but he still had alot of strength. I remember feeling at this time, we don’t have much time with him. And I was so sad he didn’t know who I was. I started missing him immediately. The strongest man I ever knew was withering dimmer before my eyes.

While I was helping him with care on that Saturday night he asked me my name. My heart collapsed and the breath in my lungs depleted, I couldn’t breathe. I did all I could to not break. With tears in my eyes I smiled and said “Christine Macphee”, hoping it would make him see me.

He pondered that, for a minute and asked who my dad was. I said “Allan Macphee” he asked me “Is he from Glacé Bay” I said “yes, he is” then he thought again and asked “is he good dad” I just stopped. And looked at him and said “he’s the best.”

It took so much strength to not cry and tell him “it’s me dad, it’s Chrissy, you don’t recognize me?” Deep down I knew it was the cancer in his brain, but the pain in my heart was excruciating. I had to turn away, and the tears poured.

The night went on and on, no sleep. Not one minute of rest did he or I have. The nurses did come in earlier that night to give us some meds to help him “rest” but truly, I think those meds made him worse.

The next day he settled, and he slept most of it. That gave my mom some time to rest and think through her next step. We all agreed that she couldn’t do this anymore. He needed to be moved, for everyone’s sake. Especially since he didn’t know us, he was uncomfortable, at times argumentative and even slightly combative with nurses. He wasn’t himself, and if he knew that this was happening he’d agree with my mom’s decision to move him to hospice. My mom needed to be able to go be with him during the day, but go home and sleep at night. She needed to take care of herself too.

That Monday they called from Innisfree Hospice and said they had a room for dad. It was a decision made within 15 minutes that he would go.

My dad actually started to come back around again that Monday morning. He was “back to himself” he knew who we were, and understood what was happening. He had no recollection of the events on the weekend. In which, made our choice to move him that much harder.

One thing I need to mention before I continue is this blog is my account of this time in our life. I won’t be mentioning many others, this is mine. I will forever be grateful and thankful for the woman my mom is. She has a strength about her that gives me hope each day. I see her struggle through her loss, I see her fight to move forward. Her account of this time is by far more painful. I am so appreciative that her outlook is healthy. She is remarkable and I am proud to be her daughter. Her story will be different than mine, this was her husband. He was HER forever.

Sending him to hospice was so hard. No one wanted that. But with each day passing he was becoming more bed ridden. He also kept trying to walk, he was always trying to get out of bed. That became a safety concern, and my mom was exhausted. She couldn’t do this anymore, with me by her side we made our way to him as he was transferred.

My dad was strongly displeased. By the time he was transferred he was conscious enough to understand what was happening. He could not bring himself to accept it. He had fought cancer so many times in his life, I truly believe he felt he was going to conquer this too. We knew that wasn’t going to happen, as hard as it was we couldn’t leave my mom to care for him 24/7 anymore.

Truly my dad was uncomfortable at home, my mom was not permitted to give him meds to keep him “consciously sedated”. The nurses were coming and going so frequently that things were being missed.

They had promised that in hospice my dad would be much more comfortable. That brought some alleviation to the situation, we just wanted him comfortable and content.

It didn’t take us long to realize, hospice was the answer to all our worries. I’m not going to lie, having to come to terms with him being there was challenging. I was fearful this hospice home was going to be sorrowful, dark, dreary and so so sad. I had no idea how at peace we were all about to feel.

The staff tending to my dad with a gentle, caring nature that I know brought him a sense of calmness. He settled his first night, with his favourite channel on the TV. He had coffee, cookies, his call bell and proper meds. He was resting, the way he should be.

Even though he was showing signs of acceptance, we could see the concern on his face. We could tell he was thinking, a lot! He didn’t let us know that, he smiled and told us to go home. “I’ll see you in the morning dad”, Love you~

I went back early in the morning the next day, so my mom could sleep in. She was so tired, and I know she was lost too. Everything was hitting us all at once. I brought dad up a coffee and a muffin. I stopped to get some peanuts and bird seed. I have this habit of “keeping busy” when I’m scared or nervous. If I had the seeds, we could talk about that. Keep our minds occupied.

I was so worried walking into that room. Not knowing how he would be, if he would be angry or frustrated. I wasn’t sure I could handle that at this time. I was exhausted.

I had to walk past others who were in the same situation we were in. Each one at different stages of their end of life journey. With every tear-jerking moment I had, there was a soft, smiling and caring staff or volunteer very close to ease any blow I may be experiencing. Although we didn’t initially share many words, their glances, head nods, smiles and pats on my shoulder reminded me of who I was. Straighten up Chrissy, the strength is there.

He was awake the first morning I went in. He looked so tranquil. Calm. The head of his bed was up, he had a bed side table with his breakfast and coffee.

“Where’s my dad”, something I’d yell coming into the house when I’d visit. “Hi hun”, Something he said most of my adult life. We talked about his night, he slept well and was very happy with the nurses, doctors and volunteers. They were all so loving. It really does take a special person to work in hospice care. Every single one of them entered his room with a smile. I could see him light up when his favorite one’s showed up.

I sat with him.

Quietly.

And then he reached out for my hand, and I knew this was going to be one of the hardest conversations of my life. Just him and I. In that moment. After having the previous weekend with him, this was going to be the moment I needed in order to accept when he moves on.

“What happens now?” He asked, holding my hand. I could see the worry in his eyes, but felt the strength in his hand. Oh how I miss that.

My mind went blank, what do you say to a dying man?

I said what I felt he would want to hear. “Well, thats up to you dad.” He listened, and I could almost see his thoughts. I’m not sure if that’s the right response, but I couldn’t say it out loud. I couldn’t tell him he came here to die. My mom always said to me, when things were grim with Braden “where there’s life, there’s hope.” Although it was already written for my dad, and he was going to move on soon, I wanted him to know he was still in control. He always needed to be in control, I wanted him to feel like he still had some.

“I’ll wait for you’s” he said next. I replied “Promise?”

I started to cry at this point. And ever so cooly and in the most Alan Macphee way he responded “well not if you’re gonna cry” lol even now, in this moment crying as I write this it made me laugh out loud. Dry your eyes Chrissy, be present. Live in this moment. And thats what I did.

That did change the air in the room, and I truly feel in my heart it was that moment he accepted his fate.

Sitting beside him in that minute, he was still my dad. That was his parenting style, and I loved every moment of it. “I love you dad.” “ I love you to hun.”

With just the two of us in the room, and still in the moment he asked “Do you believe we’ll all be together again?” Again, speechless…

I went into my heart to answer this, in a way I would want to hear.

“Ya, dad I do.” “They say we come back together in many lives, sometimes we play different roles. Maybe next time I’ll be your sister?” He chuckled, but seemed content with my answer.

Dad : “I’ll watch over you’s”

I replied “will you send me messages?” He said “yah.”

Me: “ Nothing obvious like dimes or feathers, I want it to be something I will know is from you.”

He responded “I’ll send spiders to Braden” lol he was being cheeky as he knows Braden is terrified of spiders. We both laughed at that.

Honestly he couldn’t have given me a better gift in life, I had hoped I would get that kinda of conversation with him. He was always in so much denial about dying. He couldn’t come to terms with it.

This was for me. Maybe somehow he knew I needed it. I love that he felt comfortable with me, forever grateful we shared that time. It was his gift to me. Allowing me the ability to see him off onto his next adventure, until I catch up someday.

I know my parents shared their own beautiful moments during that time. My mom had many hours alone with him where they’d do what they loved most. Listening to music and laughing with the staff of Innisfree hospice. That was who they were. Always singing, dancing and laughing..and always together.

Life is different. We are all different today. His loss has had an impact on each one of us. We are all at different stages of grief. We have each other though, and with that we still move forward. Like he would want.

For me..I’m always looking for my signs. When I do get one, my immediate reaction is an out loud “Hi Dad”~

He’s there, I know he is. He promised he would be.

I love you pops!

Love, Chrissy~

It has been 28 years and this year I am the most content I’ve ever been. But, with that said…

“Brace for impact, something’s going to happen”. I find thats the way life goes for me, when things are going well, something always happens to turn it upside down. Will I ever live in a complete state of balance and peace? Sounds a bit dramatic right? Thats the way it goes with PTSD.

Each year on March 9th, I sit back and think about the events of that day. How quickly our lives turned upside down. The world spun completely out of control. For many years prior to the first, we have celebrated, cried, vacationed on and ignored this date. Some years I just don’t know how to react. This year I’m letting it pass by without much consideration.

Yes, its been many many years but trauma doesn’t leave you. That horrible day that shaped the course of our lives forever. I can sit here and recount perfectly that day and get through it with no problems. But when I hear something or smell something that triggers a memory from that day or the many years of trauma that followed my body responds to that. I don’t have control over it.

The first 18 years was all about Braden’s recovery. We focused everything on him. We put all our time and efforts into our children, and thankfully all the trauma could stay in a little box, put in a closet inside my brain. It sat there for so many years. Although I have no regrets about that it came with a cost.

I had the ability and strength to focus on my family for many years. Paul and I raised two beautiful kids. We provided a healthy, nurturing environment for them to grow and develop. We didn’t allow the trauma to dictate how we would move forward. I wasn’t expecting it to come back so harshly though, not realizing the trauma was waiting to surface.

About eight years ago, I had a moment in life that ended up opening that little box packed away inside my mind. Everything came flooding out, like a tidal wave and I had no where to run. I had a moment of immobilization, couldn’t move, breathe or focus. It was one of the scariest moments in my life. Sadly my kids were present and witnessed it. I knew what I had too do though, I had to find the strength and pull myself up. My children were watching. Life can be difficult and I knew I wanted them to always find a solution to every obstacle. Thats what I did, back into the depths of therapy.

Now I need to be careful with what I share, as it is Braden’s story too. I can say the purpose of the break down was the realization that I no longer had any control over Braden’s choices. He began making decisions that I did not agree with, not having the ability to guide him in a different direction scared me. I became once again obsessed with him and his health. I hated that he was moving out of the house, putting someone else’s needs ahead of his own. He had stopped all therapies, medical assistance and care. He had complete control over his life. His choices were not what I felt we raised him to do. But it was what he wanted.

Once I started back with my psychologist I told him how i felt “we didn’t put all this effort into him, for him to stop it all and risk his own life”. What I mean is how much dedication Paul and I had with Braden’s recovery. We spent HOURS a day driving to and sitting through occupational, physical,nutritional, speech therapies, procedures, neurology, orthopaedic specialists and Dr. Appointments. Time we devoted to him, and of course we wouldn’t have changed a thing. His recovery was remarkable. It was something we had hoped would continue to improve with age and dedication coming from him. Braden had other plans, the things that use to be so important to Paul and I were no longer what was important to Braden. That afternoon sitting in my psychologist’s office trying to explain this to him, he looked at me and said ever so gently “he’s a person, not a project”. That hit hard, I had to reevaluate all the things I believed so deeply in.

Letting go of that part of our life was incredibly difficult. I didn’t see things going that way. I had a vision, but that’s not what Braden wanted. My heart is breaking.

Unfortunately, through this my relationship with Braden had been hurt. We will never be the same. Although I know he loves me more than anything, my pain and disagreement of his choices triggers him. He knows me as well as I know him. He can read me like a book, he knows my thoughts and my feelings. Him and I have a very strong connection, that can be harmful if not dealt with properly. It can be very toxic when family doesn’t respect one another’s boundaries. When you love someone you have to love them enough to give them their space, value their choices and support them regardless of your feelings about it. If there has been anything we have done right as parents it’s getting the proper guidance to help us navigate our way through these years. Both Paul and I, as well as Braden. Each of us talk to professionals, they help us understand one another and they give us permission to feel the way we do while respecting our individual thoughts and feelings.

We are a very close family. The reason we are still close is because we honour one another. We can sit back and allow eachother to be an individual with no expectations. It has not been easy, like I said learning to accept some of Braden’s choices has overwhelmed us.

You cannot go though a trauma in life, one as significant as mine and come out unscathed. I live with extreme guilt. I will for my whole life. Sometimes I cope well, and sometimes I don’t. My psychologist very recently said to me this “You were a victim too” and that my friends has made a huge difference in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at the events of March 9th, as myself being a victim too. But you know what, I was a 23 year old young mother who looking back was just a child myself.

There’s been one significant change in our life, it has mostly come with age and healing. That is protecting our mental health. Just these past 5 years or so, we have taken very strong steps with removing any negativity or threat to our peace and our family’s happiness. That has come with a cost, but thats ok cause we are in a really good place. We have been attacked, threatened and left out, all because we put ourselves and our needs first. For the first time in our life together of 34 years, we are doing what’s best for us. And if people don’t like that, then thats on them. For those of you who love us enough to give us our space and understanding we see you, we love you.

We have never felt this content. Being able to say no without guilt, putting our family first and taking care of our own needs has been a huge reward. We have taught our children that someone else’s happiness should not come at the cost of yours. Saying no without guilt is beautiful and at times very necessary.

I have put myself back together differently. If you haven’t been a part of my life this past 5 or so years, then I’m sorry but you don’t know me. I won’t apologize for that. I am still learning, growing, grieving and challenging myself. I still struggle daily, but I have gotten the tools I need to stay grounded, healthy and resourceful for my own children. As much as my relationship with Braden has changed, I am very proud of his ability to put up his boundaries and protect his own mental health. Even, if that means with me. That my friends is a healthy family~

As I sit here getting through my 28th year on March 9th, I am proud of who we are. I love my husband, he protects his family with a strong silent presence and always manages to keep me equalized. My daughter is the glue, she’s the one who holds us accountable to who we are. She’s so strong. I am beyond proud of her, she is my whole heart. Her knowledge of understanding life is beyond her young 26 years. She inspires me daily to be a better version of myself. I love you Kailey~

My darling son, the only other one on this planet who felt the shift in the earth that horrible afternoon on March 9th 1995. You are so powerful. I admire your ability to persevere, your determination to overcome so many battles. I am so very proud of the way you have grown to take control of your mental health. You truly are remarkable, thank you for always having my back even when you’re mad at me. I’ll love you forever~

March 9th

Typically on March 9th i share a memory from that day. I choose to celebrate this day, a day that changed our lives forever. We are on year 27, I couldn’t be more thankful. A day that could have destroyed my family, but only made us stronger.

This year, instead of paying tribute to that day, I’m going to share how life was after. Most of us live with a before and after date, this is a little about our after.

There was no Facebook or instagram back then, in most cases family and friends had no idea when Braden would get sick and end up in hospital. Most of these battles were fought without the comfort of hundreds of friends leaving comments of support and well wishes on updated posts or photos that we may have shared. Honestly, I’m not even sure i would have shared even if facebook was a thing.

But here I go, I’ll try to bring some life back to our battles.

For a good 10 years after Braden’s initial injury we many winters in ICU battling pneumonia. You see, because he had a paralyzed left diaphragm it caused his left lung to become immobile. His lower left lung could not expand. When taking a breath his diaphragm was unable to pull his left lower lung down in order to open it up. Unfortunately that would mean when he would catch the flu, chest cold or RSV it would turn straight into pneumonia. I am keeping this explanation simple. I could use much better medical terminology but then I would be spending a lot of time explaining it.

Once we heard a cough, we knew we were in for a long battle. The stethoscope would come out, we would start with chest physio, postural drainage, chest compressions, antibiotics and self isolation. Our whole world would be turned upside down. We had to cancel play dates, get together, trips, birthday parties, concerts and at times school or preschool. We could no longer allow people in our home, doctor appointments and nursing care would begin. Paul and I would prepare for war, and I am not exaggerating it was war. IF we lost this war, we would lose our son.

Chest physio would be top priority, every 2 hours we would have to get out of bed and pound on Braden’s chest encourage him to cough and clear his secretions. We’d listen to his chest, if we heard crackles then we knew there would be no sleep. Postural drainage would resume, raising his bottom up so any fluid within the base of the lung would come to the top and he could find the strength to cough and clear.

Unfortunately there were many times we lost this fight against the virus. With exhausted bodies and minds we would find our way to McMaster Hospital where Braden would be admitted and put into ICU. When things turned this bad there was always life support needed. They would sedate him, intubate him and keep him sleepy so his little body could rest. They’d continue with chest physio, intravenous antibiotics and fluids. Paul and I would not leave his bedside. Typically a ICU stay would turn into 2 months. Our lives were turned upside down, Paul would do nights and I would do days. Kailey would go to nana and papa’s most times, then come home to be with me at night.

It was so hard being apart. It was harder not knowing if Braden would survive. We lived this way until Braden was around 10 yrs old. At around that time he started getting the flu shot and the pneumonia shot. The game changed my friends, although he would still get sick in the winter months he never went back to life support measures. With the help of these vaccines he was able to fight off those virus’ and maintain a level of health with the continued support of chest physio, postural drainage and other significant treatments that kept him out of hospital.

We were the lucky ones.

During our times in hospital we did see children and babies die from RSV and pneumonia. Mothers bringing in previously healthy children with high fevers and coughs. Parents thinking its just a cold, we’ll get some IV meds, few days in hospital and then we will go home. Those babies never went home. Their little lungs were not strong enough to fight, they exhausted. Their lungs collapsed and their organs shut down never to breathe again. Paul and I witnessed this, we sat still in our ICU room listening to excruciating screams coming from those mommy’s and daddy’s. Nurses coming in and out of our room apologizing that we had to hear them. Knowing damn well, this could be us. Although our son recovered, we heard those screams for years.

Thank goodness for science.

I believe treatments have changed, medications have come a long way and babies exposed to RSV have a higher chance of surviving. It is still a very serious illness, but thank goodness we have made gains in research.

I suppose the biggest reason why i am so angry with some people expressing their disdain with our government and their way at dealing with the Covid pandemic comes from a place of knowledge. Everything that the government asked of you, is exactly what the paediatric intensivists asked of us. Isolation, hand sanitizing, staying out of crowds, get the pneumonia vaccination. All these things protected our son from death. We understood how it worked. To us, its what comes naturally to protect our son. We lived this way for too many years. We sacrificed so much, we literally removed ourselves from our community to keep Braden healthy. Although his battles with pneumonia didn’t effect you, imagine if millions of people were dying from it each winter. Would you not care enough about your family, friends and children to do what’s best for them? This is how I felt about covid. How could anyone be so ignorant and deny facts? Thankfully every single important person in my life was decent enough to get vaccinated and follow protocols.

I truly do not understand how parents could not take all possible medical precautions to protect their children. If those of you who are against this vaccine treatment could only hear the screams of those parents, YOU would be first in line or maybe you wouldn’t! If one thing I’ve learned during this pandemic, its how blatantly ignorant people can be.

Government mandates. It disgusts me to think I actually know people who would protest such things. Things that would keep your medically fragile child or elderly grandparent safe and alive. How dare you?!! IF you are someone who truly felt the need to go against our community safety guidelines during a global pandemic, then you are not welcome in my tribe. And I truly hope and pray that you or your children never have to live through such serious medical situations. Honestly, you wouldn’t be strong enough to handle it. To me you would fail your child, you would NOT survive the battle grounds. My heart breaks for you and your children. Your ignorance is something that will get in the way of the love for your children. That is sad.

Please know, I vow to always do what’s best for the greater good of our people. I will do what I have to, to protect the welfare of your children. I will continue to live with mandates and policies that protect our most vulnerable. Children fighting cancer, adults living with disease and illness, those who are compromised will be safe around me.

I do agree however at this stage of our pandemic, the lock downs are only protecting the unvaccinated. So I think its time to open up, I do hate that our local businesses have suffered. I love to see we are moving forward, hopefully our health care system is in a good place for this to happen.

This pandemic has taken a toll on health care providers. Many of my nursing friends have expressed their battle with PTSD. Having to sit with family’s at bedside with their love one losing their battle to covid. Constantly fighting lung gas exchanges, keeping everything balanced in hopes that their patient doesn’t die.

I learned during this pandemic is that there is two types of people. There is the “WE” people and the “ME” people. I want you to know that I will never be a “me” person during a global pandemic. I will always do what’s best for our neighbours, friends and family. We have lived a life where anything can happen, life is precious and it can be taken very quickly. If you think it cant happen to you, then my friend you are crazy and karma is a bitch.

If you were one who supported this “ Freedom Convoy” or as i like to call it the kkkonvoy then you have no place in my life. You are not welcomed at my table. You and I will never have anything in common. Your unawareness and concern of others is frightening, we did not fight this hard to keep our son alive to have some one like you try to take it. The mandates were in place to save lives. Feeling otherwise is selfish and childish, take yourself out of my life.

I have no desire to educate you about virus’s, bacteria or vaccines. It’s your job to get that information. IF you have acquired information disproving our science research and vaccine protocols then you have not looked in the right places. Your sources are uncredited. Please don’t tell me that maybe my information is incorrect because I HAVED LIVED IT! I trust our health care system, I trust our doctors and most importantly I trust our scientists. Why do I trust them? Because I HAVE LIVED IT!

I don’t care if you are not vaccinated. Honestly, I do believe you have that right. But that comes with consequences, and I do NOT believe you have the right to protest those things that are in place to keep someone like Braden alive. This is where my anger truly lies. Those mandates protected the vulnerable. What kind of person doesn’t want that for everyone? Thankfully there are more of us who are vaccinated. We are moving forward. Vaccinated or not, moving forward is wonderful. I’m so thankful that my family is safe, we can travel knowing if we did catch Covid we would only be effected with minimal illness. I can take comfort in that.

I am thankful for our government, I stand with the politicians who do what’s best for the human race. I know people have suffered financially and although that is terrible, life is more important. We can recover from financial loss. The loss of a loved one is not something I’m willing to gamble. So to all of those who did the right thing during this pandemic thank you! You are the strong, powerful and loved~

To March 9th, cheers! We’ve survived another year, and looking forward to the next one! To Braden, keep fighting for life son, you are strong, worthy and loved~

I truly believe everyone has a before and after date. It’s the date that changes everything. Sometimes its a diagnosis, or a surgery, divorce, wedding, becoming a parent or an accident. In most peoples lives its not a dramatic shift, usually an event that forever has changed a part of you.

For me that date is March 9th. The past 25 years I have hated, dreaded, hide from, denied, accepted, challenged and appreciated March 9th. This was the date that altered our whole life forever.

I started writing a book 2 years ago. To be honest I have not gotten very far. My intentions have been strong, but unfortunately my heart is not. I suffer terribly from PTSD, something that I have always had but only surfaced dramatically 5 years ago. Trying to write this book has sadly caused flashbacks, anxiety, fear, frustrations and emotional distress. I have decided to share with you an insert from my book. It is a rough draft, unedited, raw, hopefully easy to follow sketch of my March 9th, 1995.

I am not sure if I will ever have the strength to finish this book, reliving some of those moments and emotions is very difficult. I also believe my story isn’t over and maybe thats partly why I’m struggling. It has been 25 years and so much has happened in those years. Revisiting memories causes me severe anxiety, and is that really worth it?

Below is an insert from my writings, please keep in mind this is unedited and my account of the events. If i ever do get the chance to work with an editor/ author I would hope I would be guided in a way that could bring more life to my words. Thank you for reading~

March 9th, 1995 started out as a typical day. I remember putting Braden down for a nap that afternoon. He didn’t sleep and I was worried about him going to the baby sitters without any sleep. I asked him to go get his boots, and we put his coat on. He was giving me such a hard time that afternoon, it was only because he was so tired. I had to get to work a bit early that day because I had to photocopy some pages for a craft I had prepared for my after school kids.

We really needed to get out the door, my mind was set on getting him to his daycare. When we reached the car, I had placed my supplies in the backseat and then went to put Braden in the car. At that time, there was no rules or regulations around where the best place is too place a car seat in a car. Earlier that week my car had been under repair and I was having to take cab’s too work. But I finally got my car back, and i was so happy to have that.

When Paul had placed Braden’s car seat in my car he stood there contemplating whether or not too put it in the back seat. (This is something that would come back to haunt him down the road). I however preferred to have Braden in the front seat, beside me so I could reach him. This particular carseat did have a tether strap which was attached to the top of his seat. So, technically you could put the car seat in the front of the vehicle but there was no instructions on what to do with the tether strap. I know Paul struggled with this, and I am so sorry that I didn’t listen to him when he said he felt more comfortable with the seat in the back.

(There were not as many rules and regulations placed on car seats and how to properly install them in 1993. I am so thankful to know, that after my car accident there was a universal shift in the law regarding the proper installations of car seats. I like to believe our story has made a difference.)

I was a twenty three year old young mom, who was more concerned about reaching him if he needed something while I was driving.

On this day, he didn’t nap so he was very grumpy by mid afternoon and he didn’t want to get in his car seat.  He was fighting with me and arching his back so I couldn’t strap him in. I was so frustrated, he was crying, I was running late and he wasn’t cooperating. He was only being a tired toddler.  I finally got him in his seat, tears rolling down his chubby cheeks. Off we go, the sun was warm that day. It was the beginning of March so there was still a crisp cold feeling. I didn’t need my winter coat, because in the sun while driving it was nice and warm. Not much snow on the ground, it was melting away.

I had backed out of our driveway, and for a moment I heard Paul’s voice tell me to left. Take the back way, its an easier drive to get across town. I’m not sure once again why I didn’t listen to that inner voice. I probably should have. Instead I went right. I took the challenging route. I headed down our street and at the end of it I turned left. This took me to a stop sign, it wasn’t an intersection technically it was a highway. So the only stop signs were the one across from me, and the one that I was stopped at. I had felt the sun at this point, so warm. It was causing such a nice feeling of comfort. I had a cassette tape playing, one that I had had for a few years with many of my favourite songs on it.

Braden had fallen asleep, shit. Now he would be out of sorts for the baby sitter and probably give her a hard time. I knew my mom would be picking him up a little later and giving him dinner. He’d be happy to see nana and papa, they’d keep him awake for me. Paul would be there to get him once work was over. I would join them later that evening once all my children were picked up from their after school day care. Those professional parents who had long days, commuting and tired at the end of the day. They always look exhausted when they were coming in to get their children. It made me sad to see them almost dismiss their child’s pleas to listen to their stories about their day. Many time’s they’d be quieted and ushered to get their coats and boots on then rushed out to their running vans to get home for dinner. I always wondered was the money really worth leaving their children all day in the hands of others? Not having a connection with the most important people on the earth?

I sat at that stop sign, looking at Braden. Thinking too myself “such a brat, why couldn’t you have napped today?” There was a white van sitting at the stop sign across from me. There were students coming and going from the high school that sat diagonally across from me.

I looked left, checked right and then waited for the white van to proceed and make his turn. As he pulled out from his stop sign turning left onto the highway crossing the yellow line and heading down the road. I look left again, and then proceeded out onto the road to make my left hand turn. As I was just crossing the yellow line myself I heard the loudest crash ever. It didn’t register at first where that loud obnoxious noice came from, and I couldn’t see where it was because everything went black. Oh my god, I can’t see and my car is spinning. Braden, I reach my arm across for Braden and he is there. He isn’t crying so that’s a good thing. He can’t be hurt if he isn’t crying.

But he was too silent, and that silence was terrifying. He made no noise, no movement and no response to his surroundings. I looked out the front window of my car, there was another car about 30 feet ahead of me. I couldn’t see the driver, holy shit is he dead? Where is he? I couldn’t worry about that right now, my eyes returned to Braden and my thoughts resumed back to him. He was trying to scream, I could see his mouth moving but nothing was coming out. I needed to make eye contact with him, so I got out of my car and ran to the passengers side door. This was the first view of my car, the door had substantial damage. I had such a hard time trying to open that door, but when a mother is desperate to save her baby the strength comes from a fire so deep inside it nearly frightened me. I managed to pry the door open enough to get closer to Braden. He was still only looking forward with his mouth gaping open trying so hard to scream. Deep inside me I knew this was not good, but all I keep thinking was thank god he is alive. Tears were running from his eyes, and now I could see the blood trickling down his face. Where was the blood coming from, I was so confused. He was in a car seat, he didn’t leave the car so how does he have blood on his face. I knew not to touch him, but honestly I was terrified. I started looking around and noticed people coming from the high school. Some neighbours approached as well. One teacher came running across the street and went straight to Braden in the car. He could see Braden was having trouble breathing so he cautiously tilted his head back enough to provide a clear air entry. Someone from the high school  had called 911, but they seemed to be taking so long.

My bother and sister in law lived just a few houses away from the accident so my brother in law came out once someone went to get them. I asked him to call Paul at work, and to meet me at the hospital. I remember when I first saw him, what a relief it was. Amongst all these strangers finally a set of eyes I knew. He ran back to his house to make the phone calls, I didn’t’ see again until we were at the hospital.

While waiting for the ambulance I kept checking in on Braden sitting there so silently. He did not lose consciousness. Those eyes stayed open, he was searching for me. I had to be close, but I was so scared. Was he going to die? What have I done? I need to get to work, I remember being so concerned about getting to work. I’m going to be late, it did’t register immediately with me that I would not be going to work.

I was beginning to open my eyes, things were becoming clearer to me, Braden wasn’t moving. He wasn’t moving his arms or his legs, his head stayed still. The only thing I could see moving was his eyes, how terrified they were. The blood on his face was coming from an open wound on his forehead. How did that happen? He had a gash right in the centre of his eyebrows. I realized then that any noise from him would be reassuring. I just wanted to hear him scream, parents can get agitated so quickly at screaming crying children but when its taken away from you suddenly there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to hear that baby cry. Breathe.

The panic was setting in, the police arrived with ambulance and firefighters. Everyone was on scene at that moment. This is when I thought of the other driver once again. I looked back up to his car and saw the firefighters assessing him. I didn’t even think of him, I was certain at this point he was alive. My concern was not with him however, my world was crashing and I was battling with myself  to stay present. Focus.

Braden’s colour was changing, he no longer looked like that perfect cherub pink chubby baby that only 10 minutes ago filled my world with love. He was a grave shade of grey.  He was so still, his tears stopped and so did his will to cry. I will never forget the feeling of looking into my baby’s beautiful blue eyes and seeing the life slowly begin to leave, like a grey cloud coming in to block the sun from shining. Each breathe he took was further and further apart. He was like a fish out of water, gasping for a breath, struggling with every muscle he had still working for him. The battle to live was there and I could see that, my baby was not giving up.

 I was paralyzed with fear. I wasn’t able to move, I could see everything that was happening around us. The sirens were blaring all around me, people were screaming, there was a police officer trying to ask me questions. I couldn’t talk, all words have escaped me.  I need to get to work, what will happen to the children in my after school program. I told one police officer that I needed to get to work, and he looked at me with such concern “you won’t be going to work today”. I just could not make sense of what was happening, my mind was filled with so many thoughts. Where was my husband, I wish he was here. I want someone to hold me, please tell me everything is going to be ok.

The scent of the car fuel was so strong, the sirens were overbearing and the road had me pinned, I could not move. Standing at the side of the road watching countless people try to help my situation. I felt helpless, benumbed but mostly disabled. Physically incapable of moving, yet still managing to smell, see, hear and taste absolutely everything that was spinning erratically out of control right in front of me.

It’s true what you see in movies when there is a tragedy and those effected stand in the moment dazed and confused. The director portraying their world spinning around and around them while the character is still. It does happen, that feeling of calmness at the core but chaos circling around you. Knowing the minute you take one step forward the whole world is going to hit you like a hurricane. The moment you know one step from this safe spot is going to send you  into the swirling funnel of turmoil and you know its going to be painful.

Eventually the EMT’s carefully removed Braden from the car and transferred him to the ambulance. I wanted so badly to go be with him. Please can I go in the ambulance? They wouldn’t let me, I didn’t realize until a few years later that they didn’t allow me to go with them because they were not certain he was going to survive the ride. They ushered me into a police car, my first thought was “am I going to go to jail?” I had never been in a cruiser before, I was terrified. To make the matter worse, the officers front seat was covered in papers so he asked me to get into the back of the car. Sitting there, all alone wiping my tears and wanting to throw up I sat quietly with thoughts running through my head. Guilty?

Am I guilty? That’s something I will live with for the rest of my life. I will consistently fight that battle, constantly reminding myself that I did not set out that day to purposely crash my car causing my son a devastating injury.

How will I live knowing that’s exactly what happened? I pulled out into oncoming traffic that I didn’t see. The injuries he sustain may have been prevented if I had only looked one more time too the left. Why was I in that exact spot at that time? What if I had taken my time putting him in the car seat, I would have missed him coming up the hill that beautiful sunny day. I would have avoided this disaster.

We made our way sirens blaring, lights spinning red and blue. I was silent in the back seat of that cruiser. Confusion set in again, my mind was on Braden and how he was doing in that ambulance. I don’t think I had any thoughts of him not surviving this crash. He was still showing signs of life as they moved him to the ambulance. I suppose a part of me still felt he was going to be fine, he wasn’t crying, kicking or screaming. It’s terrible scene to see, your child so still in a situation which he should be physically protesting and emotionally voicing his displeasure.   It hadn’t occurred to me just how serious his peacefulness meant. I didn’t know if Paul had been called, I was hoping he was on his way and meeting me at the hospital. There was no cell phones back then, how comforting it would have been to be able to call him during that time.

Where we live there is an intersection that connects our city with all the small junctions that make up Cambridge. It’s called the Delta, it is apparently the largest intersection in Southern Ontario. There was at that time approximately 12 lanes that link to those traffic lights. In order to get to the hospital we have to go through the Delta. I had happened to look up as we drove through, hoping the light would be green. I was nervous there’d be a stall and the ambulance would  have to wait for clearance. It was surreal to see at each lane there was a police officer and a car with flashing lights blocking the traffic, giving us clearance to make our way straight through that intersection. Each police officer standing in front of their cruiser with their hands crossed guarding the way so my son could get to the hospital. I remember at this time finally realizing “this is serious”.

When I got to the hospital, the police officer led me in. I still hadn’t seen Braden. I started asking for him and they assured me he was still with us but they were doing tests to see how stable he was. They ushered me into a patient lounge which was private, as we made our way there I saw Paul and my mom coming down the hallway. Finally, familiar faces that brought comfort and security. The two people in the world who could only make this better.

I had to face Paul, I truly was terrified as to what he would say. Would he be angry with me? Is there going to be blame? As he approached I started to cry, I was so sorry. Both my mom and Paul came to me, and the first thing Paul said was “What did you do?”

That was the first and only time he ever placed blame. I don’t even think I had the chance to answer him. We had someone from the Chaplin services show up, we went into this quiet, dimly lit grey room. There was four chair’s. Very clinic, cold and dark. The Chaplin wanted to have a prayer, but our minds were on Braden. I had wondered if he was dying because the Chaplin had shown up. Paul, my mom and I along with my Aunt Ray who happened to be at the hospital gathered in a small circle standing side by side while this stranger with a bible led us in prayer.

Where is Braden? Paul went looking around for answers. He also realized his mother was going to be driving past my accident scene and knew she would recognize my car. He went to the desk and asked to use their phone so he could call his mother. She did pick up, and he told her I had been in an accident but I was fine. She asked about Braden and Paul said “we don’t know yet”.

The other end of the line went quiet, Paul heard a crash and then a slight moan. It was a noice he had never heard come from his mother before. Unfamiliar to this sound, he knew something had happened to her on the other end. “Mom, mom”…..nothing.

He hung up, told the front desk at the hospital that he thinks his mother passed out. Could they send an ambulance to his house. The told him unfortunately they can’t dispatch from the hospital, he’d still have to call 911. Try comprehending that, standing in the emergency room of our city hospital and being told he had to call 911 himself. That’s what he did, he called and asked for an ambulance to go to his mother.  He came back to the grey room, by this time the ER doctor had come to see me. They wanted to be sure I was ok. I honestly hadn’t felt any physical repercussions at this time from the accident. I remember everything went black when I heard the loud crash, and my knee was throbbing a bit. I’m not sure how I hurt my knee, maybe it was the steering wheel?  I touched it and realized it had been bleeding. As I was heading to the observation room, the trauma doctor stopped me to finally fill me in on Braden’s condition. My eyes were constantly scanning the area for him, I was becoming impatient and a frustrated. I just needed to see him, was he scared, was he moving any parts of his body yet? Things were feeling foggy again, this was too overwhelming. I felt like everyone was looking at me, everything was out of control Where is Braden?

The doctor was young, he seemed confident. He had a presence about him that made me feel safe, he looked me in the eyes, standing straight and confident. Although he was young I still felt like I could trust his diagnosis and observations. The first thing he said to me was “he is doing ok”, “ but we are sending him to Hamilton McMaster University Hospital”. He said they did an X-Ray and had some good news, “his neck wasn’t broken.” But they suspected something called Brachial plexus, which is a network of nerves in the arm pits and neck that work to move the shoulders, arms and hands. The nerve damage in his upper arm was caused by the car seat straps. Devastating. We were experiencing so many emotions. Relieved he was alive, thankful his neck wasn’t’ broken but how would he function in a world made for two arms? Baseball? Hockey? My dreams of a little hockey player was now being compromised. The sadness was debilitating, I was starting to feel the physical pain in my body. I just want to sit, my knee hurts, my jaw hurts and my little patched heart is completely shattered.

March 9th, 1995 started out as a typical day. I remember putting Braden down for a nap that afternoon. He didn’t sleep and I was worried about him going to the baby sitters without any sleep. I asked him to go get his boots, and we put his coat on. He was giving me such a hard time that afternoon, it was only because he was so tired. I had to get to work a bit early that day because I had to photocopy some pages for a craft I had prepared for my after school kids.

We really needed to get out the door, my mind was set on getting him to his daycare. When we reached the car, I had placed my supplies in the backseat and then went to put Braden in the car. At that time, there was no rules or regulations around where the best place is too place a car seat in a car. Earlier that week my car had been under repair and I was having to take cab’s too work. But I finally got my car back, and i was so happy to have that.

When Paul had placed Braden’s car seat in my car he stood there contemplating whether or not too put it in the back seat. (This is something that would come back to haunt him down the road). I however preferred to have Braden in the front seat, beside me so I could reach him. This particular carseat did have a tether strap which was attached to the top of his seat. So, technically you could put the car seat in the front of the vehicle but there was no instructions on what to do with the tether strap. I know Paul struggled with this, and I am so sorry that I didn’t listen to him when he said he felt more comfortable with the seat in the back. 

I was a twenty three year old young mom, who was more concerned about reaching him if he needed something while I was driving.

On this day, he didn’t nap so he was very grumpy by mid afternoon and he didn’t want to get in his car seat.  He was fighting with me and arching his back so I couldn’t strap him in. I was so frustrated, he was crying, I was running late and he wasn’t cooperating. He was only being a tired toddler.  I finally got him in his seat, tears rolling down his chubby cheeks. Off we go, the sun was warm that day. It was the beginning of March so there was still a crisp cold feeling. I didn’t need my winter coat, because in the sun while driving it was nice and warm. Not much snow on the ground, it was melting away.

I had backed out of our driveway, and for a moment I heard Paul’s voice tell me to left. Take the back way, its an easier drive to get across town. I’m not sure once again why I didn’t listen to that inner voice. I probably should have. Instead I went right. I took the challenging route. I headed down our street and at the end of it I turned left. This took me to a stop sign, it wasn’t an intersection technically it was a highway. So the only stop signs were the one across from me, and the one that I was stopped at. I had felt the sun at this point, so warm. It was causing such a nice feeling of comfort. I had a cassette tape playing, one that I had had for a few years with many of my favourite songs on it.

Braden had fallen asleep, shit. Now he would be out of sorts for the baby sitter and probably give her a hard time. I knew my mom would be picking him up a little later and giving him dinner. He’d be happy to see nana and papa, they’d keep him awake for me. Paul would be there to get him once work was over. I would join them later that evening once all my children were picked up from their after school day care. Those professional parents who had long days, commuting and tired at the end of the day. They always look exhausted when they were coming in to get their children. It made me sad to see them almost dismiss their child’s pleas to listen to their stories about their day. Many time’s they’d be quieted and ushered to get their coats and boots on then rushed out to their running vans to get home for dinner. I always wondered was the money really worth leaving their children all day in the hands of others? Not having a connection with the most important people on the earth?

I sat at that stop sign, looking at Braden. Thinking too myself “such a brat, why couldn’t you have napped today?” There was a white van sitting at the stop sign across from me. There were students coming and going from the high school that sat diagonally across from me.

I looked left, checked right and then waited for the white van to proceed and make his turn. As he pulled out from his stop sign turning left onto the highway crossing the yellow line and heading down the road. I look left again, and then proceeded out onto the road to make my left hand turn. As I was just crossing the yellow line myself I heard the loudest crash ever. It didn’t register at first where that loud obnoxious noice came from, and I couldn’t see where it was because everything went black. Oh my god, I can’t see and my car is spinning. Braden, I reach my arm across for Braden and he is there. He isn’t crying so that’s a good thing. He can’t be hurt if he isn’t crying.

But he was too silent, and that silence was terrifying. He made no noise, no movement and no response to his surroundings. I looked out the front window of my car, there was another car about 30 feet ahead of me. I couldn’t see the driver, holy shit is he dead? Where is he? I couldn’t worry about that right now, my eyes returned to Braden and my thoughts resumed back to him. He was trying to scream, I could see his mouth moving but nothing was coming out. I needed to make eye contact with him, so I got out of my car and ran to the passengers side door. This was the first view of my car, the door had substantial damage. I had such a hard time trying to open that door, but when a mother is desperate to save her baby the strength comes from a fire so deep inside it nearly frightened me. I managed to pry the door open enough to get closer to Braden. He was still only looking forward with his mouth gaping open trying so hard to scream. Deep inside me I knew this was not good, but all I keep thinking was thank god he is alive. Tears were running from his eyes, and now I could see the blood trickling down his face. Where was the blood coming from, I was so confused. He was in a car seat, he didn’t leave the car so how does he have blood on his face. I knew not to touch him, but honestly I was terrified. I started looking around and noticed people coming from the high school. Some neighbours approached as well. One teacher came running across the street and went straight to Braden in the car. He could see Braden was having trouble breathing so he cautiously tilted his head back enough to provide a clear air entry. Someone from the high school  had called 911, but they seemed to be taking so long.

My bother and sister in law lived just a few houses away from the accident so my brother in law came out once someone went to get them. I asked him to call Paul at work, and to meet me at the hospital. I remember when I first saw him, what a relief it was. Amongst all these strangers finally a set of eyes I knew. He ran back to his house to make the phone calls, I didn’t’ see again until we were at the hospital.

While waiting for the ambulance I kept checking in on Braden sitting there so silently. He did not lose consciousness. Those eyes stayed open, he was searching for me. I had to be close, but I was so scared. Was he going to die? What have I done? I need to get to work, I remember being so concerned about getting to work. I’m going to be late, it did’t register immediately with me that I would not be going to work.

I was beginning to open my eyes, things were becoming clearer to me, Braden wasn’t moving. He wasn’t moving his arms or his legs, his head stayed still. The only thing I could see moving was his eyes, how terrified they were. The blood on his face was coming from an open wound on his forehead. How did that happen? He had a gash right in the centre of his eyebrows. I realized then that any noise from him would be reassuring. I just wanted to hear him scream, parents can get agitated so quickly at screaming crying children but when its taken away from you suddenly there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to hear that baby cry. Breathe.

The panic was setting in, the police arrived with ambulance and firefighters. Everyone was on scene at that moment. This is when I thought of the other driver once again. I looked back up to his car and saw the firefighters assessing him. I didn’t even think of him, I was certain at this point he was alive. My concern was not with him however, my world was crashing and I was battling with myself  to stay present. Focus.

Braden’s colour was changing, he no longer looked like that perfect cherub pink chubby baby that only 10 minutes ago filled my world with love. He was a grave shade of grey.  He was so still, his tears stopped and so did his will to cry. I will never forget the feeling of looking into my baby’s beautiful blue eyes and seeing the life slowly begin to leave, like a grey cloud coming in to block the sun from shining. Each breathe he took was further and further apart. He was like a fish out of water, gasping for a breath, struggling with every muscle he had still working for him. The battle to live was there and I could see that, my baby was not giving up.

 I was paralyzed with fear. I wasn’t able to move, I could see everything that was happening around us. The sirens were blaring all around me, people were screaming, there was a police officer trying to ask me questions. I couldn’t talk, all words have escaped me.  I need to get to work, what will happen to the children in my after school program. I told one police officer that I needed to get to work, and he looked at me with such concern “you won’t be going to work today”. I just could not make sense of what was happening, my mind was filled with so many thoughts. Where was my husband, I wish he was here. I want someone to hold me, please tell me everything is going to be ok.

The scent of the car fuel was so strong, the sirens were overbearing and the road had me pinned, I could not move. Standing at the side of the road watching countless people try to help my situation. I felt helpless, benumbed but mostly disabled. Physically incapable of moving, yet still managing to smell, see, hear and taste absolutely everything that was spinning erratically out of control right in front of me.

It’s true what you see in movies when there is a tragedy and those effected stand in the moment dazed and confused. The director portraying their world spinning around and around them while the character is still. It does happen, that feeling of calmness at the core but chaos circling around you. Knowing the minute you take one step forward the whole world is going to hit you like a hurricane. The moment you know one step from this safe spot is going to send you  into the swirling funnel of turmoil and you know its going to be painful.

Eventually the EMT’s carefully removed Braden from the car and transferred him to the ambulance. I wanted so badly to go be with him. Please can I go in the ambulance? They wouldn’t let me, I didn’t realize until a few years later that they didn’t allow me to go with them because they were not certain he was going to survive the ride. They ushered me into a police car, my first thought was “am I going to go to jail?” I had never been in a cruiser before, I was terrified. To make the matter worse, the officers front seat was covered in papers so he asked me to get into the back of the car. Sitting there, all alone wiping my tears and wanting to throw up I sat quietly with thoughts running through my head. Guilty?

Am I guilty? That’s something I will live with for the rest of my life. I will consistently fight that battle, constantly reminding myself that I did not set out that day to purposely crash my car causing my son a devastating injury.

How will I live knowing that’s exactly what happened? I pulled out into oncoming traffic that I didn’t see. The injuries he sustain may have been prevented if I had only looked one more time too the left. Why was I in that exact spot at that time? What if I had taken my time putting him in the car seat, I would have missed him coming up the hill that beautiful sunny day. I would have avoided this disaster.

We made our way sirens blaring, lights spinning red and blue. I was silent in the back seat of that cruiser. Confusion set in again, my mind was on Braden and how he was doing in that ambulance. I don’t think I had any thoughts of him not surviving this crash. He was still showing signs of life as they moved him to the ambulance. I suppose a part of me still felt he was going to be fine, he wasn’t crying, kicking or screaming. It’s terrible scene to see, your child so still in a situation which he should be physically protesting and emotionally voicing his displeasure.   It hadn’t occurred to me just how serious his peacefulness meant. I didn’t know if Paul had been called, I was hoping he was on his way and meeting me at the hospital. There was no cell phones back then, how comforting it would have been to be able to call him during that time.

Where we live there is an intersection that connects our city with all the small junctions that make up Cambridge. It’s called the Delta, it is apparently the largest intersection in Southern Ontario. There was at that time approximately 12 lanes that link to those traffic lights. In order to get to the hospital we have to go through the Delta. I had happened to look up as we drove through, hoping the light would be green. I was nervous there’d be a stall and the ambulance would  have to wait for clearance. It was surreal to see at each lane there was a police officer and a car with flashing lights blocking the traffic, giving us clearance to make our way straight through that intersection. Each police officer standing in front of their cruiser with their hands crossed guarding the way so my son could get to the hospital. I remember at this time finally realizing “this is serious”.

When I got to the hospital, the police officer led me in. I still hadn’t seen Braden. I started asking for him and they assured me he was still with us but they were doing tests to see how stable he was. They ushered me into a patient lounge which was private, as we made our way there I saw Paul and my mom coming down the hallway. Finally, familiar faces that brought comfort and security. The two people in the world who could only make this better.

I had to face Paul, I truly was terrified as to what he would say. Would he be angry with me? Is there going to be blame? As he approached I started to cry, I was so sorry. Both my mom and Paul came to me, and the first thing Paul said was “What did you do?”

That was the first and only time he ever placed blame. I don’t even think I had the chance to answer him. We had someone from the Chaplin services show up, we went into this quiet, dimly lit grey room. There was four chair’s. Very clinic, cold and dark. The Chaplin wanted to have a prayer, but our minds were on Braden. I had wondered if he was dying because the Chaplin had shown up. Paul, my mom and I along with my Aunt Ray who happened to be at the hospital gathered in a small circle standing side by side while this stranger with a bible led us in prayer.

Where is Braden? Paul went looking around for answers. He also realized his mother was going to be driving past my accident scene and knew she would recognize my car. He went to the desk and asked to use their phone so he could call his mother. She did pick up, and he told her I had been in an accident but I was fine. She asked about Braden and Paul said “we don’t know yet”.

The other end of the line went quiet, Paul heard a crash and then a slight moan. It was a noice he had never heard come from his mother before. Unfamiliar to this sound, he knew something had happened to her on the other end. “Mom, mom”…..nothing.

He hung up, told the front desk at the hospital that he thinks his mother passed out. Could they send an ambulance to his house. The told him unfortunately they can’t dispatch from the hospital, he’d still have to call 911. Try comprehending that, standing in the emergency room of our city hospital and being told he had to call 911 himself. That’s what he did, he called and asked for an ambulance to go to his mother.  He came back to the grey room, by this time the ER doctor had come to see me. They wanted to be sure I was ok. I honestly hadn’t felt any physical repercussions at this time from the accident. I remember everything went black when I heard the loud crash, and my knee was throbbing a bit. I’m not sure how I hurt my knee, maybe it was the steering wheel?  I touched it and realized it had been bleeding. As I was heading to the observation room, the trauma doctor stopped me to finally fill me in on Braden’s condition. My eyes were constantly scanning the area for him, I was becoming impatient and a frustrated. I just needed to see him, was he scared, was he moving any parts of his body yet? Things were feeling foggy again, this was too overwhelming. I felt like everyone was looking at me, everything was out of control Where is Braden?

The doctor was young, he seemed confident. He had a presence about him that made me feel safe, he looked me in the eyes, standing straight and confident. Although he was young I still felt like I could trust his diagnosis and observations. The first thing he said to me was “he is doing ok”, “ but we are sending him to Hamilton McMaster University Hospital”. He said they did an X-Ray and had some good news, “his neck wasn’t broken.” But they suspected something called Brachial plexus, which is a network of nerves in the arm pits and neck that work to move the shoulders, arms and hands. The nerve damage in his upper arm was caused by the car seat straps. Devastating. We were experiencing so many emotions. Relieved he was alive, thankful his neck wasn’t’ broken but how would he function in a world made for two arms? Baseball? Hockey? My dreams of a little hockey player was now being compromised. The sadness was debilitating, I was starting to feel the physical pain in my body. I just want to sit, my knee hurts, my jaw hurts and my little patched heart is completely shattered.

The things to come were incomprehensible. Everything I ever knew would never be the same. I was never going to be the same~

March 9th, 1995- March 9th, 2020

#52 Never Buy Cheap Perfume

Dear Fox,

Don’t do it. Do not buy cheap perfume. This is something that I could not do even when I didn’t have enough money for perfume. I just went without. There is nothing worse then walking around smelling cheap. Lol

I know there is worse things in life that this, and in some circumstances people don’t have a choice. That’s ok….for them.
There are some very expensive perfumes out there by world class designers which smell horrible. Be careful there too.

If you choose to buy cheap perfume I know within two hours you will have a headache, I’m saying this to save you from that.

Pick a perfume that your family will grow to love, a scent that when your children smell it they will think of you lovingly. A scent that makes you distinct from the other women that may walk past your man on a daily bases. Smell is probably the most sensitive sense we have.

Smells are important, it’s amazing how certain smells can bring memories back to you. Sometimes a scent can make a person think of a family member who they love, or loved. A scent can bring back a memory from a childhood trauma, or a happy, comforting scent that makes you think of a time when you were in a good place.

I believe your perfume is the first layer of your outfit, its what dresses your naked body. Choose well my love~

# 97 Dance – especially when you’re doing the laundry.

My dearest Kailey, always find a reason to dance even when doing laundry.

When I was young my mom always had music going in the kitchen. Actually my parents pretty much had music going all of the time. Every Saturday and Sunday morning the house would be filled with music.  

Initially it was the 8 tracks in the living room. Conway Twitty, Kenny Rogers, Elvis Presley…typically it was country music. I would wake up to these country tunes just outside of my bedroom. It was comforting and the music symbolized happiness. It was peaceful, and it was routine. Routine is safe, routine is comfort. I liked that. As an adult I knew it was something I wanted my children to feel. I knew routine was most important.

Coming home from school back in grade 6, 7 and 8  it was a give in that my mom had music playing in the kitchen. She always played something while preparing dinner. After  the country music came the 80’s tunes. Then it was the beautiful melodies of Michael Jackson, Phil Collins and Lional Ritchie that filled the house with aromas of teenage youth  Dreams of love, hopes of future relationships and fantasies of  what my life would end up being. Relishing in all my world revolving around me just as a typical teenager would. 

I can’t express how important it felt to have that comforting feeling of music throughout the house while growing up. 

There was only one time in my youth that the music stopped. It was the day mom papa died. My mothers father. When I came in from school that day, there was no music and my mom was in the kitchen making dinner. I knew something was wrong. There is nothing worse than seeing your mother cry. It was such a sad day, and as sad as I was for my mom and our family…I recall being worried that the music wouldn’t play ever again.

I can remember just as clearly the day I walked in from school and heard it again…I was so happy. Thrilled because it was a feeling of safety again, that our family was doing well and we were all going to be ok. 

When you hear music, good music…what’s the natural thing to do? DANCE!!

SO this is were my word of advice comes in for Kailey. I hope you can remember our kitchen, dancing when you are all grown and have a family of your own. Please try to recognize how it made you feel to see dancing, laughing and love in our home. It was always one of my favorite things to do while making dinner, I guess my mom taught me that. 🙂

There is nothing happier than a house filled with music and dancing, remember that! If you take that with you into your own family life, my darling I promise you’ll always have a reason to smile~

I can only hope that those summer nights, those Saturday morning tunes we shared in our own kitchen will stay with you. I pray you remember our beloved Harley dancing in the kitchen with mom. I can still remember getting you and Braden to dance, typically ending in a game of chase. 

I guess I can end this post with the reason’s that make the most sense for your name…from where my family comes from down in Nova Scotia, a kitchen party is called a “Kailey or in Irish dialect its Ceilidh”. Everyone would gather at the home of a dear friends house during the cold brisk winters in the east coast and have themselves a good ol’fashioned kitchen (Ceilidh) Kailey~

I am sure this picture was also taken the same night. There is a long history of boxers in my family, it wasn’t a party until the men starting putting up their dukes and the women were dancing and singing.

I believe a happy home is a home filled with music. I hope you carry on that tradition and fill your own home some day. I will end this blog by saying some of our best memories have a song attached to it. Even your birth…”Return of the Mack” by Mark Morrison I loved that song at the time I was pregnant with you. It even played a part in your name Kailey MacKensey~

Love you Fox, until next time good night and god bless~

#79  You can make your dreams come true if you wake up and work.

I know sometimes in life it doesn’t seem fair that you have to work so damn hard, always working. But we have two choices in life we can either 

a) Work really hard and enjoy the benefits of that

                         OR

b)Not work hard, float through life without goals and worry constantly about where we are going to be in 5 years.

We all have our own personal definition of “working”. When I say to “wake up and work” i’m not referring to “making money”. Its not about the money. Its about happiness, and working hard is what will always make you happy.

Don’t be a chump. In order to be successful get out of bed, educate yourself and work hard. Doesn’t matter what you are doing in life, do it well and do it with passion.

When you get the chance to sit and relax you will only enjoy it more. 

When you were little, I believed in routines. We had a morning routine, school day routine, weekend routine, dinner routine and a bedtime routine. We followed a clock, time was always important. We had rules and even expectations. From a very young age, you knew there were expectations put on you every single day. Wake up, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, get dressed, go to school, homework, then play. That’s what builds a good work ethic and that my darling is the secret too success. 

If you want something bad enough in life, then you have been given the tools to make that happen. You know what discipline is, you know in order too be happy you must have some form of routine. 

NOW…I am not saying its not ok too break the rules, its totally ok and very encouraged to occasionally and I repeat occasionally skip school for a ME day. Its even important to take a day off of work just for you. Book a trip last minute, stay out late, get drunk on a weeknight, have breakfast for dinner…LIVE~

My point is only if you want to be happy fox you’re going to have to work hard at it. Doesn’t matter what you choose to do in your life, as long as you are happy, content and successful in your daily living. Have a purpose, get an education and surround yourself with people who work just as hard as you.

Get up every morning with a purpose, don’t ever give up. Go to school, go to work but never forget too play.